Memoirs of a Baraat

Recently, I happened to attend a welding-ceremony, oops I mean the wedding-ceremony. Since I was from groom's side, so I got a chance to be a part of the "Baraat". Isn't it surprising that in India one can go and attend a marriage ceremony even if he is remotely related to the groom. In fact, I know few folks who could attend any marriage party without being related to anybody in the entire marriage (sweet old college days ) :-D

When I reached the venue, the Baraat had just started. The first thing that I spotted that the foremost entity in the Baraat was the generator. For a moment I felt that the "someone here is from Indian railways" ( that explained the diesel engine at the front). Another interesting observation was that all the gents were dressed with coats and jackets whereas none of the ladies was wearing any kind of warm clothing. It seemed, that the winter was here only for the masculine gender. Coming back to the Baraat, I saw a "bandwagon"  being dragged at the front, then after some gap few gentlemen were dragging themselves, then after some gap ladies party was dragging themselves. It seemed that the suited-booted gentlemen were little scared to get close to either the bandwagon or the ladies group.  In the last, after a gap of few feet, a decorated car was being dragged. You might think that I'm overusing the word "drag", but this was what I felt after seeing everybody's expression. Probably the groom also felt same as me because his face wore expressions that said "Allow me, and I would dance on everybody's behalf".

I was starting to think that this is going to be a borrrrinnnng ceremony, when I noticed a car, parked a little behind, under a tree, in the dark! I went nearer and found that the youth that was supposed to be with the Baraat, was busy with the "kaarobaar" (car-o-bar). "Oh, that's why the Baraat is moving sluggishly. Young India is busy here" I thought.

20 minutes later, the same Baraat was totally changed. Young Indians have merged with the Baraat. The gaps between the bandwagon, gentlemen and the ladies were gone. Most of the guests were displaying their dancing abilities to the fullest; few of the gentlemen and not-so-gentle-boys were performing the evergreen 'Nagin' dance, some people were busy with the fireworks, a middle aged uncle was waving a bundle of notes, the poor kids and the band players were eying the bundle greedily, couple of guys with overdose were puking here & there and rest of the youth was shunting between the Baraat and the car-o-bar. The liquor quality was very effective and supply was probably unlimited because soon the songs changed from "ये देश है वीर जवानों का (ye desh hai veer jawano ka)" to "तैनू दूल्हा किसने बनाया (tainu dulha kisne banaya)", and "बहारों फूल बरसाओ (baharon phool barsao)" changed to "मुन्नी बदनाम हुई डार्लिंग तेरे लिए (munni badnam hui darling tere liye)".

With all these happening events, the Baraat took nearly 1 hour to cover a 500 meter distance. I thought "Not bad". Why? Because it was much better than taking 2 hours.

Bride's side was fully prepared to tackle all kinds of scenarios because I could see slightly hidden lemon-slices kept by the side of a table.

Soon after, the groom and his kins got busy in the rituals and everyone else got busy in the usual stuff.
Elders got busy in talking, accompanied with intermittent (and growingly impatient) glances towards the dinner table, where the food was yet to be served.
Ladies got busy in chit-chatting, accompanied with intermittent glances towards other ladies' jewelery and deliberate display of their own jewelery.
Dudes from younger generation got busy in talking (about the girls), accompanied with intermittent glances towards (of-course) the girls.
Girls from younger generation got busy in talking about something (trust me, I tried but couldn't hear), accompanied with intermittent glances towards the dudes.
Only crowd that was focusing on just one thing were the kids, who were dancing on colorful dance floor. I  can't resist to mention that 'Sheela ki jawani' was the most repeated dance track. Kids seemed to enjoy the track, but not as much as their Dads :)

Thats it, since I didn't know anyone else so I hardly stayed there for 5-10 minutes after Baraat's conclusion and then moved back to home.
I lied above - I waited for full 35 minutes for the food, and left the place only after I had tasted* everything on the menu.

* People who have been with me for quite sometime know it very well that I never eat in any function, I just taste (please don't discuss about the quantity)!

Return of - No!

If you are wondering "is this post a sequel to previous one; and if it is a sequel, what could be meant by return-of No?", then yes, this Is a sequel to the previous post, and the meaning of the title is somewhat literal: The way we used to say No to Piku, he has started returning the "No" to us.

Whatever we ask him to do, his flat reply is "No".
Piku, come here - No!
Piku, eat your food - No!
Piku, put the broom down - No!
Piku, sleep - No!
Piku, say hello to uncle - No!

Initially "No" was just a spoken word, later it was conjoined by relevant actions.

Piku, come here - No! (... and run away)

Piku, eat your food - No! (... and clench his teeth)

Piku, wear your cap - No! (... and throw the cap somewhere farther)

Piku, sleep - No! (... and start jumping on the bed)

Piku, give me the mobile back - No! (... and run away with the mobile)

After few weeks of insults, we applied mathematics to the situation: "minus minus plus hota hai" and we introduced "don't"!

Piku, don't come here - and he would come right to us
Piku, don't drink the milk - and he would gulp

Piku, don't watch TV - and he would switch off the power button immediately

Piku, don't spit out the piece of paper you just put in your mouth - and he would immediately spit

Things worked for sometime, but as we all have heard that babies are fast learners; Piku also learnt our strategy and then his responses & actions became conditional. Now he returns our "No" only when it is in his favor.

I think he would grow into a high self-esteemed fellow, because the way he has started returning our "No" sounds as if he is trying to say "मैं किसी का उधार नहीं रखता. ये लो रखो अपना NO"!

Rat In The Flat

Yesterday night while we were trying to sleep, Piku seemed to have achieved extra activeness (although, I feel like this daily). He was just not ready to lie down even for a minute, and my irritation as well as drowsiness were both increasing with every passing moment. I could slip into sleep any moment, but Piku was adamant. My frustration reached such levels that I almost slapped him. That was when I realized, I had already slid into sleep, and my irritation had found its way into my dreams.

So, I lazily glanced towards my sleeping family before turning my back, and it was then when I saw a shining black thick lasso near the door. "Snake!!!" was the first thought and "Idiot!!!" was second.
"There couldn't possibly be a snake inside a closed room of a flat located on the top floor of the building" my brain told me in a jiffy.

"Must be a little mouse with a long tail" my thoughts were disturbed by a muffled shriek; rodent's attempts had woken up wifey. "Rats! Now I would be asked to get rid of this" I thought, pretending to be asleep. Anyways, as expected, wifey nudged me -
"उठो !"
"क्या ?"
"चूहा !"
"कहाँ ?"
 "वहां !"
"कहाँ ?"
"अरे वहां !"
"मुझे नहीं दिख रहा !"
"अरे वो है ना, दरवाजे के पास !"

"मुझे नहीं दिख रहा !"

"अभी तो वहां था, पता नहीं कहाँ गया !"

"तुम्हारा वहम होगा, सो जाओ !"
"नहीं, मैंने देखा था! इत्ता बड़ा चूहा था !"
"सो जाओ, सवेरे देखेंगे !"
"प्लीज़ !"

This was the point where I had to get up, because lucky are those husbands, who get to hear the golden word "please" from their wives. I couldn't ignore increasing adrenaline-rush in my blood. The feeling of being superior took me out of bed and switched on the light.
The next moment all adrenaline disappeared, and before disappearing it made me jump back!
"That is a rat! That is a RAT! That is a RATTTT???? It can't be a RAT. Look at its size, it looks like that it has just eaten a bloody cat!"

This rat was a huge one; even bigger than ones that we see on railway stations. It had somehow & sometime found its way inside our flat, and had been sitting somewhere silently, waiting for us to fall asleep, so that it could attack and kill us in the night (thoughts of a petrified mind).

Upon seeing light and a jumping guy (me), the rat also got scared and ran towards corner & disappeared behind dressing table.

"Do something" wifey said.
"What can I do to such a giant Rattus Norvegicus, it will do anything it wishes" I thought, but said "yes yes, I'm thinking....", after all, no man would show that he is afraid of rodents, in front of his wife.

After some thinking, I opened the door towards balcony, took out a bat and started creating sounds to bring out the hiding beast. However, instead of bringing out the hidden beast, the noise woke up a sleeping beast - Piku.

When he saw the scene - his mom sitting on the bed holding the pillow and speaking loudly; and his dad hitting the ground with a bat and making noises; he decided to join in the chorus and started wailing. I couldn't decide which beast to handle first. However, Piku stopped crying himself as he pointed towards the ceiling. It took me a couple of moments that he wasn't pointing towards the ceiling, instead he was pointing at the top of the balcony door. The beast had shown its face, it was sitting on the top of the door and perhaps was trying to decide whether or not to jump from the door. It was first time when I saw its face and couldn't help noticing its similarity with Disney's Ratatouille. Piku also seemed to relate it with something he saw on TV because he spoke "moosh" (mouse).

So, situation was like this: the clock was showing 2 AM, room was freezing, Piku was enjoying the live version of cartoon series, wifey was tensed and waiting for the rat to jump outside, I was tensed and waiting for the rat to jump outside, the rat was tensed and waiting for me to move. Moments passed like this, and I realized various things like: the rat's brain is a small one and he won't jump to get outside the room, or the rat's brain is so small so he might jump. The most striking thought was that the situation was a deadlock and the rat could spend the entire night without moving an inch (because it did not have to go to office in the morning). So, I summoned my entire courage (without showing the expressions) and forced the door fiercely to make the rat fall. Trick worked, and the rat jumped out of desperation and disappeared into the dark.

You might think that the matter ended here, but it wasn't like that! Piku was again crying because his "moosh" was gone!

I've learnt that ...

- All kids would be wide awake when it is impossible for the parents to keep their eyes open.

- All kids would kick away quilts whenever the weather is cold and parents would have to sleep in chunks of 30 minutes throughout the night, to ensure that the baby remains covered.

- All kids would perform their potty rituals when parents are halfway through their meal!

- All kids would resist with full might when parents try to bathe them, but would play for hours in water when left unattended.

- All kids wouldn't leak a drop when parents take them to the bathroom, but would wet the bed/sofa/chair within  next few minutes.

- All kids would definitely try to lock the bathroom door from outside when you're inside & have forgotten to secure the latch (so that you don't get locked in accidentally).

- All kids would kick away the adorable teddy at first sight of laptops (love at first sight).

- All kids would instantly fall in love with noodles, chips, burger, fries etc. (love at the first bite).

- All kids would try to eat everything that is within their reach, except the food that they should be eating.

- All kids would continuously & happily recite poems, names of different persons, objects, etc., except when asked to do so. Probability increases in ratio with no. of guests present.

- All kids would preferably try to wear their parents' footwear leaving their own unnoticed.

- All kids would have desperate urge to throw important objects in the commode.

- All kids would be fascinated with balcony railings. Higher the distance from ground, higher is the fascination.

- All kids would cast havoc upon their parents, but would behave as the world's best baby in presence of guests!

My vocabulary is improving

I'm not talking about increasing list of English words in my knowledge base. The vocabulary I'm talking about refers to list of words that are part of my kid's ever changing language. 


It all started few months back, when Piku returned from Lucknow after a gap of nearly two months. After few hours of display of emotional bonding by Piku (shying away as well as trying to come closer to me simultaneously), he started speaking to me; and all I could do in response, was to nod & smile affectionately.


My nods continued for a week or so, gradually becoming clueless rather than affectionate. 


I got so frustrated one day, that I brought one of my friend's daughter (who is around 1 year elder to Piku), and tried to observe if she understood Piku's babbles. Of course, that didn't help. Now there were two kids in the room, both with their unique languages, and I understood neither of them. 
I concluded two things out of this:
1 - Every baby builds his own vocabulary. 
2 - Never take a baby's help to deal with another baby :)


Surprisingly (& annoyingly), while all I could do was look fooled, wifey seemed to understand everything. She assured me that after sometime, I would be able to decipher the codes....... and she was right again! After a practice of few weeks, my vocabulary also improved. Now me & Piku can (fluently) talk gibberish and still be able to communicate.



Here is a small list of words from Piku's vocabulary. See, how many can you decipher.


Piku's Version - Our Version

Apar - ऊपर

Baa - बाहर

Bho bho - Doggy

Caca - Cow

Choochoo - चाचू

Coke - Clock

Kha - खाना

Kuck - Truck

Mum - Water / Milk

Moosh - Mouse (aka Tom & Jerry)

Nee - नीचे
Ota - Auto

Owk - Vomit :D

Paata - पराठा

Shoosh - Shoes

Tight - Light

Tytil - Cycle

Piku's Tricycle

This thing has been pending for quite sometime. Ankita had been asking to buy a tricycle for Piku since long and I had been avoiding that since long.

Even if she had not told me, I knew that my excuses were all lame, because the actual reason was that I was being over-protective for my kid. How else could someone justify excuses like "we don't have space to keep it (despite having a patio where we can park our car)" or "i will get him a bicycle instead of tricycle (regardless of the fact that Piku was hardly 1 year old at that time)".

There was just one way to end this procrastination and wifey knew that way very well. Last Sunday, when I woke up in the morning, the scene was somewhat different than usual. Wifey & Piku, both were getting ready for some outing. Upon noticing I'm awake, wifey prepared tea and said smilingly "Honey, here is your breakfast".  "I must be dreaming" I thought while she completed her sentence "...and did I tell you that this is also your lunch and maybe dinner!". I don't know whether it was the caffeine or thought of not getting anything else to eat; but I was wide awake after that first sip and second sentence.

Of course, she didn't mean what she said. She had prepared some nice breakfast (although I've a hunch that it was sufficient enough only to keep me moving). After all, someone with lots of weight to carry (my own weight), needs reasonable amount of energy to stroll in a mall in one shot;  especially if that mall has multiple outlets like Big Bazaar, Shopper's Stop, etc. spread across opposite corners and that too on different floors.

So, we walked through sections after sections, store after store, occasionally coming across various tricycle models; some were unnecessarily high priced, some unnecessarily low quality. Ones that Ankita liked, I  disapproved; ones I liked, she turned down. It was very hard to decide upon which tricycle to purchase. It was even harder to get Piku off from every tricycle we saw. Believe me, it is very tough to handle a tantrum throwing kid who starts rolling on the floor in a mall; but, it is much tougher to handle a tantrum throwing kid who gets clung to every tricycle he sees.

Anyhow, we managed to concur upon a tricycle in just 4 hours. Can you believe it, just 4 hours. Finally, when we came back home and  seated Piku on it, and positioned him to pedal, we found that we've taken things into hurry.

His legs don't reach the pedals yet!

So, currently Piku has disdained his good old little puppy toy, because now he has a bigger toy to drag around - Piku's Tricycle.

The ubiquitous question!

It has been nearly 2 months since I moved from Indore to Noida!

Having spent 7+ years in Indore and then moving to Noida, the comparison was inevitable, but so was this question. Log on to any TV Reality Show during elimination round, or, move on to any news channel, interviewing some grieving soul; you will get to hear the question: "आपको कैसा लग रहा है?"

The answers, force me to think about the difference between Indore and Noida. Depending upon the situation (& whats crossing my mind), the answers to similar questions vary, drastically. Here are a few examples:

You're driving at 80 kmph. How are you feeling?
Indore - I'm thrilled, because one rarely gets chance to cross 40 kmph
Noida - "मुझे डर लग रहा है"! In fact, I'm freaking out because cars are overtaking me at 100+ kmph, from both sides

Tonight you have a function to attend at a friend's place.

Indore - Its just 3 km. I might as well walk.

Noida - I could've reached Ujjain if I had to travel this much distance in Indore.

You're stuck in traffic jam. How are you feeling?

Indore - It has been hardly 10 minutes (besides, it happens once in a while)

Noida - It has already been 1 hour (thankfully, we are at least moving)

What do you want to have for breakfast?

Indore - Let's have some poha. Light breakfast lets you focus on work.

Noida - Lets get chhole-bhature. पेट भरा रहेगा तो दिन में खाने की टेंशन नहीं रहेगी. 

When do you plan to go to Lucknow?

Indore - Don't know, no reservation available in Indore-Patna Express for next 2 months (because it operates weekly) 

Noida - I'm choosing between the trains, which one has better facilities & is mostly on time

Let's go for a walk.

Indore - Too much dust

Noida - Too humid

Both the above answers translate to - I want to watch TV at home!

There is however, one question, answer to which hasn't changed:

"What are you plans for the weekend? "

Indore / Noida - "Movie जाना है" :)