Oh God! What have you done?

"Oh God! What have you done!" - this is exactly what it "literally" means and not what it "probably" means.

Most people would think that this is what probably what we are yelling at Piku; but actually, this is what Piku tells God these days - "Oh God, what have you done".

This started sometime back when we started trying to inflict moral values in Piku; and we thought of using bedtime stories as the prime source to do this.

However, this was easier said than done due to 2 reasons:
1- We had to come up with a brand new story every time
2- He would often not understand the moral value and would just enjoy the story

However, we found out yesterday that he understood the morale every time, but used it only when it was in his favor :)

Yesterday when we were having lunch, he was trying to get away without eating. So all of a sudden, he opened a water bottle, kept its cap on the table, and flicked it. As soon as the cap hit the ground, he started crying (घड़ियाली आंसू ) - "Oh God! What have you done!!!! Everything is Bhagwan Vishnu's fault..."

I was dumbstruck "Hainnnn....".

And Piku explained "You told me that Bhagwan Vishnu controls everything. So he made this cap, he made me; and he made me flick this cap".

This should have angered me, but instead I felt proud. In some other scenario, he would've got a slap on the cheek or pat on the back; but he got what he actually wanted - he got away with the lunch!

What's in a (nick) name?

Yes, this post is similar to my previous post "Whats in a name?", but this time its not about my son.

One day me & wifey were going to pick up Piku from school after yet another short argument about yet another nothing (कहानी घर घर की).

The situation was tensed and silence wasn't helping either, so I thought to start a light-hearted conversation and wittingly said "Biwi..."! That was the end of wittiness because wifey stopped me in between "Don't call me that"!

I said: "Why, what's the problem?"
Wifey: "That sounds disrespectful"

Me: "But, I am not being disrespectful"
Wifey: "You are! And you will never understand my feelings"

Me: "Hain!" I thought "this dialogue should be the last one; how come it came at 2nd position today"

"OK, I will call you ... "
Wifey: "and don't call me wifey either" (she read my mind before I could speak)
Me: "Wifey... oops. Now, what is wrong in wifey?"
Wifey: "You're just trying to appear cool but giving me same treatment"

Me: "C'mon. What should I call you then?"
Wifey: "I have a name"

Me: "That would sound formal. I want to use something that reflects affection"
Wifey: "Please don't even try. I know you'll come up with another way of hurting my sentiments"

Me: "No no; I won't do that again" (do you guys see a confession here; she did!)
Wifey: "Don't try to trick me. I know you better than you know yourself"

Me: "OK, here is the deal. I will give you options and will go with the one that you approve."
The tension seemed to be moving away now.
Wifey: "OK"

Me: "Piku ki Mumma"
Wifey: "No, I have my own identity"

Me: "Don't you love being called your kid's mother"
Wifey: "See, you are doing it again"
Me: "Doing what?"
Wifey: "Trying to offend"

Me: "OK, let me think of another option". I quickly changed the subject (does anyone see another hidden confession? She did! Details hidden on-purpose :D )

Me: "Begum"
Wifey: "No, too traditional"

Me: "but this is perfect, I want you to be without any gum (which means sorrow in Urdu). You see बे-ग़म, without any sorrow"
Wifey (smiling): "ummmm"

I thought "she is smiling and ummm is not a valid word. I'm winning. +1 to myself " and said "yes, this is perfect; I'm going to call you Begum now onwards. Begum Begum Begum"
Wifey: "Ok, ok. Focus on your driving"

Me: "Yes, Begum is the word."
"I will call you with such names only"
"Without any sorrow... BeGum (बेग़म)"
"Without any worry... BeFikar (बेफ़िक्र )"

"Without any pain.... BeDARD (बेदर्द )". That, my friends was end of discussion :-|

You're Welcome?

In India, we are taught since childhood that when someone says "Thank you", we should respond
- "You're welcome".

However after coming to US, I saw that the common culture is - if someone says "Thank you", people respond
- "No Problem".

Last week, while I was waiting for billing at one of the stores with a friend; we started talking about this difference.
I was saying that "you're welcome" is better whereas he preferred "No Problem".

My argument was that "No Problem" is somewhat rude because it sounds like obliging, whereas my friend was saying "You're Welcome" means inviting more trouble.

In short - we were talking nonsense :-D

While we were discussing this very important aspect of life; a lady behind me in the queue requested if she could get her payment done first; and I agreed.

She said "Thank you", and I heard myself saying "You're problem".... 

How cold could it be!

Wisconsin is supposed to be one of the coldest places in US; and the winter is approaching very fast. Oh, it's already here! See, how fast that was :)

So, when I was heading back to Milwaukee from DC last Friday, some friends warned me that the weekend was expected to be very cold. I asked "how cold could it be" and the answer was "maybe 8 degrees".

I shrugged my shoulders and thought "Huh, it's same as in India! Its just that Americans speak Fahrenheit, and we talk Celsius. Anyhow, how cold could it be."

When I got off from the plane - I saw that everyone was wearing soft/fluffy/warm winter-wear with gloves/ear muffs/headband/what-not. However, when I get off from the plane what did people see? They saw a guy coming out of a plane wearing half t-shirt & jeans, who should have been covered from tip to toe. They had no idea that the guy was silently chanting the secret-mantra "how cold could it be".

I stepped out of the airport and could see my breath; but still it wasn't cold enough. Why? Because the SUN was still out there! So..... how cold could it be.

It was hardly 2 minutes of wait for the cab outside when I took out my mobile, and started typing "8 degrees fahrenheit in..." and then put the mobile back in the pocket, without even completing the Google search.

Why? Not because I saw my cab.
Because - I couldn't feel my fingers anymore!

Now, I know how cold could it be. Oh, and by the way, 8 °F is little more than -13 °C.

Niagara Trip

We went to Niagara falls few months back, and contrary to the expectation, neither we drove, nor we flew. In fact, we traveled via bus (Greyhound) and train (Amtrak); and that was a good decision.

That trip made me aware of some facts like:
- there are buses that are WiFi equipped these days
- there are trains that have better seats than a movie theater
- there are apps that let you check whether forecast before stepping out
- there are no apps that remind you not to forget your jacket at home just before stepping out. Put simply, I left my jacket at home and weather turned chilly (d'oh stupid)!

If you visit Niagara falls, the no.1 attraction would be "Maid of the mist" (it is a boat ride that takes you almost inside the waterfall). Those who have been there will differ with me, because the best attraction according to most people is "Cave of the Winds" (this is the place that gets you closest to the fall, on foot!). However, I would still say that boat ride was best because I couldn't go to the "Cave of the Winds" :)

When we were heading towards the boat, I looked at the waterfall and said to another Indori "it seems someone released the water in Choral (भिया, लगता है कि चोरल नदी में पानी छोड़ दिया)".

After a small walk, we got on the boat and it started moving slowly towards the horse-shoe shaped waterfall and we got an excellent view of the waterfall; every body was like "awww". The view was really breathtaking.

In some time, we were nearing the waterfall, and started experiencing water droplets on our face. The view was now eye-catching - my eyes were actually catching water drops. The "awww" sound quieted down a bit. Hey, I'm not trying to say that people were scared. No! No one was scared, no one. There was nothing scary at all. Still the "awww" quieted down.

After some more time, I felt that we were almost inside the waterfall, and the boat was still progressing ahead. Few more minutes passed, and the boat was still moving forward. It was water everywhere. Crowd's "awww" was sounding more like "aaaa.....".
I thought I would be able to touch the wall behind the fall any minute now:

Few more minutes passed and the boat was still moving. I almost heard myself saying "ओ भियो, उस पार ले जाओगे क्या?"

I said to Piku "do you like it"? He didn't reply but his mom did. She said "he is down". My heart missed a beat for a second as I frantically looked down in the water. Wifey noticed this and tapped me on shoulder and pointed "down" towards my feet. I didn't notice earlier, but Pikka master had decided to miss the "super enchanting" view and stay down. I wouldn't blame him because even I felt that I've seen enough water for an entire year.

After enjoying enough water for entire year, we decided to get something to eat. So we came to the main road and the first eatery joint we saw was - an Indian Restaurant.... owned by a Punjabi.

Wifey said "now I know why you always referred Canada as Chhota Punjab"!

My First Ticket

My first ticket - I'm not talking about my first flight ticket, or first cruise ticket. I'm talking about the "पर्ची काटो प्रक्रिया"; i.e. the challan given by traffic police in US.

Few days back,  me and wifey were driving to a hospital in nearby city, totally guided by our friend - Google Navigator. We were on the interstate highway driving at 65 mph, when suddenly my friend Google Navigator said "take the next exit"; and of course, I obeyed it.

After entering the town, the speed sign changed to 45 mph and soon to 25 mph; but, do we ever care (इन्दौरी में बोले तो "अपन कभी सुनते हैं क्या?").

Besides that, have you ever, I mean ever ever ever, drove at 40 kmph on an nearly empty road right after driving at beyond 100 kmph. Ever? If you say "yes" then I would say "चल हट झूठे, Liar". I could even say "झूठ बोलना पाप है, नदी किनारे सांप है!"

However, I did reduce my speed to a decent limit (don't ask how decent, but decent enough in India).

Hardly after five minutes or so, my friend Google Navigator said "You've arrived at your destination" and I was like "Where?". On the screen, there was no road ( route had ended); on the road, there was no screen (signboard).

Through corner of my eye, I saw a police bike parked on the side of road, with lights flashing and I said to wifey "someone is going to get a ticket today (कोई तो कटने वाला है आज )".

Few minutes later I saw in mirror that the cop was behind us, flashing all the lights of his bike; pointing to pull over. I tried to find another vehicle on the road whom he might be following, but ours was the only one. So, I pulled over to the side and he parked his bike and came towards me.
I was shocked to hear what he said: "Sir, please remain seated". I know you're thinking the same thing that I was thinking "पुलिसवाला, वो भी इतनी इज्जत से बात कर रहा है". I was so delighted that I forgot that I'm about to be penalized. आँखों में आंसू नहीं आये, बस!

He said, "Sir, do you know you were over-speeding"; I said "what"?
He said "you were driving at 40 mph in a 25 mph zone"; I wanted to say "so what, that's not even double", but said "oh, I didn't know that".
He asked for my license and I gave him my Indian driving license. He looked perplexed for sometime; after all - it's not everyday that an American cop gets to see a plastic card that is dyed with blue colour on one side and has photo of a kid (me - a few decades back) on the other side. He was so confused that I almost wanted to say "keep it, if you want. I will get another one. After all, I've a coloured photocopy at home, that looks exactly like this license".

Anyways, rest was the usual stuff - except लेन - देन  की बात; and that was how I got my first ticket.... and hopefully the last ticket :)

Piku goes to America

Of late, we have been avoiding overreacting to his misdeeds in public; and somehow Piku became aware of this. However, we weren't aware of his awareness until we boarded the flight to US.

As soon as we got to our seats (we just got there, weren't even seated), Piku started showing his true colours.

"Don't put my bag in that cabin, put it here".
"Beta, there is..."
"Nooooooo... my bag....." (he didn't even let me finish my sentence "Beta, there is...not enough room.... ")

Seeing many heads turning to find out the source of noise, I quickly moved his smaller bag to a large cabin and stuffed my bag into a relatively small one.
I had barely sat down when one of the air hostess came and spoke with certain displeasure "Sir, your bag is too large for that cabin"; and then promptly swapped the bags.

I just sat there quietly, feeling somewhat insulted and somewhat frustrated that this time Piku didn't complain about his bag.
However, as soon as she was out of sight I heard:
"Waaaaaa... my bag......."
"Piku, my bag is too big for that cabin" I tried to explain (साम)
"Why did you move my bag?"
"Aunty ne kiya.. .look she did that"... Ankita came to rescue, pointing towards the air hostess.
"I want it back"
"Sit down quietly otherwise... " I took the usual route (दंड)
"Waaaaaaa.............."
"Shhh... she will get us down (भय)..." I changed my tone
"Waaaaaaa.............."
"Achha dekho ye kya hai... arey ye to remote hai (दाम)... isse video game... " I bit my tongue for what I was about to say.

"Video GAME!!!!!... mujhe khelna hai" ... I was too late for biting my tongue; damage was already done..
So, I tried to handle the situation and said: "Wait, till the plane takes off... right now it is turned off... "
"Nahi... Abhiiiiiiiiii khelna hai.... "

It was enough for me. I said "Piku, behave your self. Otherwise you'll get a SLAP".

Without missing a beat, Piku replied " and you will get JAIL"!!!